The not so lean machine: Australia's all-time XI of players who excelled despite their lack of athleticism

Test cricketers come in all shapes and sizes. Mohammed Irfan at 216cm towers over Kruger Van Wyk at 145cm. India’s Yuzvendra Chahal tipping the scales at just 62kg is dwarfed by West Indian Rakheem Cornwall at 140kg. Yet all these players compete at the highest level of the game on an equal footing.

To keep these footings as equal as possible modern players have all the support necessary to enable them to be able to give of their best. There are team doctors, a whole range of specialists, physiotherapists, psychologists, nutritionists, dieticians. Every conceivable health and well-being issue is covered and then recovered.

Indeed, a coach in my formative years insisted that peak performance was 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration, meaning while you needed some level of talent, only hard work and persistence would enable you to reach the dizzying heights.

Batting is essentially about hand-eye coordination and without that all the hard work in the world will not enable an aspiring batter to play at the highest level.

Add to that resilience, courage, facing adversity, desire and self-belief and you are on the way.

Not all players, of course, are blessed with a natural athletic physique. Similarly, not all have the passion for outside interests which will keep them at the level of fitness that Lillee and Thommo achieved almost effortlessly.

Such players are, of course, still outstanding athletes capable of representing their country at the absolute peak of their profession but their physique and/or personal habits often belied this.

Unlike some other players they are unlikely ever to be termed graceful, elegant or athletic.

At 108kg I feel I am uniquely positioned to act as sole selector of the All-time Australian XI of this latter category of player. All these players proudly wore the Baggy Green with distinction and in many cases attained recognition well beyond simply playing, but it is unlikely any of them were contacted with an offer to appear on the cover of “Men’s Fitness Monthly” or to endorse related products.

Mark Taylor, nicknamed “Tubby”, was a walk-up start as the first player selected and will also share the captaincy duties for the side. Scoring 7525 runs in 104 tests at 43.79, Taylor was also an outstanding slips fielder and adventurous and effective leader who picked up where Allan Border left off in beginning Australia’s climb to the top of world cricket.

Keith Stackpole is described in his bio as a “big, heavy batsman”. He scored 2807 runs in 43 tests at 37.42 and was another accomplished slips fielder and a good enough leg spin bowler to bag 15 wickets. A strong aggressive strokemaker in an era of pedestrian openers, Graeme Pollock described his 134 first Test century as brilliant. He made a century between lunch and tea and was given out off the last ball of the session when he promptly headed off for tea before it was officially called.

Umpire George Goldman thought he had walked following a half-hearted appeal for a catch behind. The local press the following day delighted in claiming it was his stomach that had cost him his wicket.

The keg on legs David Boon bats at number three. Boasting 7422 runs from 107 Tests at 43.65 Boony was also an outstanding and courageous short-leg fieldser. His finest series were facing up to the fearsome West Indies pace quartets of the 1980’s. His record would in all probability have been considerably more impressive had he been playing in another decade against lesser attacks. His record of 52 cans of beer on the flight to England will, however, probably stand forever.

Greg Ritchie, affectionately known as “Fat Cat” due to his burly frame averaged 35.2 from the 1690 runs scored in his 30 Test matches.

Doug Walters is one of the only players to make this side who is not portly. How he is not though, remains a mystery. A lover of a beer he earned the sobriquet Hanoi during his national service days because he was “bombed every night”.

He was a walking advertisement for Rothmans – his employer – and once shocked the entire dressing room by standing up and claiming he was going to loosen up. He then tossed a dart into the board and reclaimed his seat before going out later in the day and taking a five-for!! With 5357 runs at 48.26 he also took 49 wickets at 29.1 in his 74 Tests and was a dynamic fielder in the slips and covers.

Darren Lehmann turned down entry into the Australian Cricket Academy as a 17-year-old, citing enjoying the lifestyle associated with working on the production line at the Holden assembly plant too much. His 1798 runs at 44.95 and 15 wickets from his 27 Tests only skims the surface of one of the most outstanding cricketers Australia has produced.

Darren Lehmann. (Photo by Hamish Blair/Getty Images)

His 25,795 first-class runs at 57.83, 3078 at 38.96 in ODIs and 13,122 at 46.86 in List A matches provides a greater indication of a player who is a legend both in his home state of South Australia as well as Yorkshire. He was also a handy spin bowler and has coached the national side.

Rod Marsh was once described as having legs like a grand piano. Called “iron gloves” after some sloppy wicketkeeping in his early foray into test cricket, he was also very stocky and worked hard to keep his weight under control.

His keeping improved to the extent that he jointly holds a record for most dismissals in combination with another player – c. Marsh b. Lillee appearing 95 times in Test cricket matches. He also scored 3633 runs at 26.51 from his 96 matches and was the first Australian wicketkeeper to score a Test century.

Another record which is not listed amongst test cricket’s historical data is his drinking 51 cans of beer on the flight to London. He was wheeled through Heathrow on a luggage cart and a London tabloid sports section led with “Marsh Splashes Down”.

Having taken the record from teammate both for Australia and this side Doug Walters, he then lost it to David Boon, not surprisingly also in this side. So, in much the same way as Don Bradman took the series runs aggregate record from Wally Hammond (who in turn had taken it from Herb Sutcliffe) and in so doing set a new benchmark which has never been surpassed these three Australian cricketers have passed on Australian crickets equivalent of the Olympic flame and Boon has set a mark which will in all probability never be surpassed.

Warwick Armstrong, known as “The Big Ship”, stood 190cm and tipped the scales at 133kg. Being the first Australian to play 50 Tests and scoring 2863 runs at 38.68 alongside 87 wickets at 33.59 his playing figures are similarly imposing. “The Sporting Life” described his bowling action as “rather like a fat uncle, not altogether unlike a fat aunt”.

Gary Gilmour was an immensely talented all rounder with an immense frame to match. Gout and other health problems restricted this hugely entertaining cricketer to just 15 Tests in which he took 54 wickets at 26.03 and scored 483 runs at 23.

Any side that has Shane Warne batting at number 10 is a seriously good cricket side. Taking 708 wickets at 25.41 in his 145 Tests, he also holds the test record for most runs scored – 3154 at 17.32 – without scoring a century. Warne’s selection in this side is largely on the back of his telling South African batter Darryl Cullinan that he had been waiting to bowl to him for four years to which Cullinan replied, “It looks like you spent it eating.”

Having signed a $200,000 sponsorship deal with Nicorette to give up smoking Warnie was among the first picked in this ‘best of’ team alongside his multitude of other “best of” selections.

Merv Hughes earned the sobriquet Fruit fly from Border for being Australia’s greatest pest. Hugely popular with crowds everywhere and one of the great after dinner speakers Merv’s bio describes him as being a “notorious consumer of alcohol and food”. Enough said.

He also made 1032 Tests runs at 16.64 in his 53 matches to go with his 212 wickets at 28.38. Merv himself claims the unique record of being the only person in the history to have taken 212 test wickets AND kicked 54 goals for Werribee in the VFA!

I have selected Mark Cosgrove as 12th man. Despite being the only player in the team not to have won a Baggy Green, the former Bradman Young Cricketer of the Year recipient at the Allan Border Medal Awards in 2005 is the only player I can find who was actually dropped for being overweight.

Shane Warne. (Photo by Hamish Blair/Getty Images)

Despite making token efforts to address the issue he remained overweight throughout a playing career featuring 221 first-class games and scoring 14,976 runs at 40.36 and taking 52 wickets at 46.02. A highly worthy substitute in the event one is needed. This record would have won him a baggy green in just about any other era.

I remain infuriated with Andy Bichel’s unavailability due to his unwavering commitment to fitness.

Interestingly enough these same players feature heavily in my all-time “great characters of cricket XI”, my all-time “Best Fun teammates XI” and a variety of other similar “best of” selections.

They are, however, not to be discarded as second rate cricketers as a result. Among them is an MBE and MOA for services to cricket, one of the 5 Wisden players of the last century, the SS record run scorer, the world record partnership dismissals holder, two Australian test captains (and two more that many believe should have had the job), selectors, coaches of both the national side and Australian Cricket Academy as well as a host of respected commentators and pundits.

They had a combined Test batting average aggregate of 375 runs and would on average dismiss an opposition for 266 and in many cases were brilliant fieldsmen. These guys were seriously good cricketers and world class athletes. And a lot of fun. When gathered for a team photo there was much hilarity when it was suggested that it would need to be an aerial shot.

The eras in which many of them played were culturally vastly different and whilst possibly less wholesome, probably a lot more fun than today. Most of them were giving back to the game more generously than others through their unwavering support of the sponsors products.

Tobacco and alcohol sponsorships governed the sport at various times. There were of course restrictions. At a time in the 1970s when the beer gut was considered a status symbol among Australian males, patrons were restricted to bringing only 24 cans of beer per person per day into the major Australian cricket venues. Given the proliferation of “hills” in the outer grounds at such times the eskies in which the beer was transported provided complimentary seating for thousands of patrons.

Few if any players are such ardent supporters of the game’s sponsors in the current era. KFC is a major sponsor of cricket, but the only player of somewhat generous proportions and apparently greasy fingers is England’s Johnny Bairstow.

While lunch and dinner breaks might have been somewhat chaotic, the dressing room at the end of a day’s play would no doubt have been a joy to be a part of.

God bless each and every one of them for their contributions to our great game.