Another season of The Real Housewives of Potomac has come and gone, alongside the cumulative $200,000 worth of breast work between them. I say this with love, as the recipient of a very big boob job myself. (Hi, Dr. Rosenberg!)
Now, there’s a few lessons I’ve learned in the four years since they took a bunch of fat out of my hips and stomach, and stuffed it into my breasts. The most important of these are the various effects they have on my boyfriend. The next would be equally, if not more important, especially for single women or lesbians or people who don’t center men in their lives like I’ve been known to do: Big boobs fundamentally change everything about the way clothes look, feel and function on your body.
This isn’t an inherently bad thing! But it is a necessary thing to grapple with, especially if you’re a television star who pays for designer clothing to wear to work. Evidenced by every single look showcased at the reunion, these women have sprung for boob jobs and custom dresses, but not for a little extra fabric in the bust. A little extra give in the chest. Another quarter yard around the cleavage. I’ve run out of layman's terms to throw about, so let's try an analogy: Getting a boob job to wear badly fitting clothing is like an Instagram influencer woh buys a Birkin, only to keep it in a box in the basement.
Before I start wielding more stylistic flourishes that cause my dear editors anguish, why not jump right into the fashions. Shall we?
The Real Housewives of Potomac
The Cast of The Real Housewives of Potomac
I’m generally against all-white reunion concepts, only because it is impossibly hard to separate the color from bridalwear. Considering the majority of the cast is divorced, soon to be divorced or single, it also reads as desperate. Hopeless, even. It’s not to say these aren’t some of the most beautiful women on Bravo, but the color does them no favors. The production crew also seems unable to give these women a glamorous set. The Real Housewives of Orange County got one of the most expensive 360-degree seamless LED screens in filmmaking history to simulate a sunset over the ocean on a cliffside in California. The Real Housewives of Potomac get to sit in a fake Panamanian gift shop full of hats and fabric. Sure, fine, whatever!
Karen Huger
Karen Huger, poor thing, was asked to submit a self-tape immediately after her arrest videos were released to the press. After being found guilty on most of the DUI charges against her, she sent a second self-tape, more glamorous than the first, knowing it might be her last time on television should sentencing go the worst possible way. (As it stands, she faces up to a few years in jail.) The contrast here is incredible. I wish there was another way to put it, but there isn’t. It’s a genuinely moving series of images, exemplifying the hubris that put her in this position in the first place. It’s also one last moment of total humiliation before the inevitable.
On aesthetics alone, I’m fascinated by her use of symmetry and framing. The motif of the Christmastime chrysanthemums, the holiday teddy bears, the fur hat and the shag pillows. While the first outfit was obviously thrown together in a moment of sheer panic, the second is the sort of thing a Diane Keaton character would wear to a dinner party with her daughter and much older boyfriend. But, in classic Karen fashion, she can’t adhere to her own projected air of perfection and pose. The symmetry isn’t quite right, and the whole thing is subtly off-kilter. Haunting, really. I’ll be thinking of it for some time.
Ashley Darby
As for the actual attendants of the reunion, Ashley here comes first because I owe her something I thought I’d withhold from her forever. That thing being ... a compliment. Ashley Darby, you’ve literally never looked better. This chocolate bouffant and sideswept bangs are divine, as is the cut of this dress and the boob job and the earrings and the subtle hint of fur.
Ashley, messy as always, brought Karen in white to the reunion, “knowing” she wouldn’t be there. What a delight! The airbrushing on this picture made me actually yelp.
This is also her best glam in ages, totally suited to her features with a buttery quality that emphasizes and smooths in all the right places. The dress is nothing to write much about, but none of the pageant drag on display is much to write about. Considering the bar is in hell for Ashley, I’d say she’s at least dragged herself up to purgatory (also known as the greater DMV area) with this one.
Keiarna Stewart
I’ve loved Keiarna’s big swings all season. She brought a youthful energy to the confessional booth that also served as showcases of legitimate fashion excellence. Remember all that Area! Totally fabulous! Less fabulous is this pageant drag with the smashed in titties.
The bonkers choker, encrusted with just about every shimmery material available to dress makers, is just a hint too stiff and inorganic for my liking. The hair and makeup are similarly youthful (always a fan of too much blush), but the whole thing doesn’t quite come together for me. Maybe, like other dresses on display, there’s just too much boob and too little dress. This is not the fault of the women, mind you, but of their ateliers. If the dress is custom, these pageant designers can spring for a few more inches in the bust. Let the titties breathe!
Wendy Osefo
See what I mean? Wendy’s figured out most things this season, like how to get along with Gizelle, act downright fabulous and paint for HD cameras. What she hasn’t figured out is how to ask for a wider bust on her custom dresses! And let me be clear: This dress is extremely custom! Her Instagram caption, seen below, says as much.
